What 'Does I Love You' Mean?
by losercandy
Summary: "I love you" is never all they're really saying. (a "write every ship" challenge.)


[AN: The Vyv/Neil Chapter. Otherwise known as Pysterd.]

* * *

"What does 'I love you' mean?"

"I love you" means _**I hope I die first**_.

Cheesy dance music swirls around him and he can't help but think about how pink the room feels. Pink with little bits of red and purple. Floating and swirling, nearly transparent. Glowing. It doesn't look like that, it just _feels _like that. He'd have a hard time explaining. His hand comes up to the back of his neck, fretfully rubbing the painfully short hair on the back of his neck. If he didn't feel right before, now he feels downright naked. He is not Neil. He wasn't before either, but at least he looked like him. He swirls his drink around in his hand. He can't remember what it is. He looks at his feet too long and can't remember _where _he is, either. The music gets slower. The room feels more blue. Yellow and green are there too but… Definitely blue, seeping into the spaces where the purple had been and taking over.  
"Beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?"  
He doesn't look up, just keeps staring at his shoes, swirling his drink. Someone uses his voice to say, "Mhmm."  
"Neil, do you want to leave?"  
It takes him a moment before he realizes the question is directed at him.  
He looks up and sees Vyvyan standing over him. He smiles up at him.  
"Your aura is the color of your hair."  
"Let's get you away from here, alright? I think you've had enough of these people."

Vyvyan grabs his arm and pulls him to his feet. Vyvyan plants a hand on his elbow and guides out of the room. Vyvyan is stopped by his mother.

"Neil, where on earth are you going in the middle of your sister's wedding reception?"

"He's going somewhere safe for him, Mrs. Pye." Is all Vyvyan says. It's much more polite than the speech he had planned for this moment.

When they get to the car, Vyvyan ducks in, grabs a bag, and chucks it at him. "I brought you some clothes. I figured the suit might be getting to you."

He changes out in the open and Vyvyan doesn't stop him. Now isn't the time. He doesn't know who he is or where he is and he needs some balance as soon as possible.

"I can't believe your mother cut your hair while you were sleeping. You're not allowed to stay there overnight anymore, Neil. Neither am I, though." Vyvyan says with a chuckle as he puts the keys in the ignition. "I won't burden you with information, but let's just say the guest's room is going to need renovations. How was I supposed to know that inflammable was the same thing as flammable?"

He sits and stares out the windshield. Usually he would have laughed. Neil would have laughed.

He pulls the shirt over his nose and inhales deeply. He needs to get back somewhere where the air is familiar. He needs to eat food that his past self used to eat. He needs to remember what it was like to be a person. Only two days away from home and he didn't even remember what home was anymore.

"Maybe you should get some sleep." Vyvyan suggests, putting a tape in the deck. "It's a long drive."

The tape starts mid-song. _Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been._

He blinks in recognition. This is one of Neil's tapes. Vyvyan hates Neil's tapes. He knows this. He leans his head back and closes his eyes. He is thankful. He is tired. He thinks he remembers someone saying that you can wake up from a dream by falling asleep in it.

When he wakes up, he is home, and Vyvyan is shaking him, gently. His clothes have stained his skin. He can't see it, but he can feel it. He feels better, slowly, like a numb limb gaining circulation.

"I umm… while you were sleeping I stopped at a shop and got you this." Vyvyan says, pushing a bag into his hands. "I know it's not the same but ehh… I hope it helps."

Vyvyan leaves quietly, grabbing the luggage from the boot and stomping into the house.

Alone in the car, he opens the bag slowly and lifts out the contents. A long, brown wig. He runs his hands over the short hair on top of his head. Not his hair or Neil's hair. If it's anyone's hair, it's his mothers. He breathes in deeply and lifts the wig to his head. It's different. It's not the same. It does help. He's turning back into Neil. He hopes he can be Neil by the time he gets back into the house. Vyvyan deserves Neil. Vyvyan worked too hard to help him become Neil again.

He steps over the threshold of the house. No magic transformation, but the fighting that has broken out in the kitchen settles into his bones and makes them feel less hollow. He walks up to Neil's room. _His_ room. He lays down on Neil's bed. His bed. _The _bed. Better. Much better. Wraps himself up in a blanket. The blanket. Neil's blanket. _His _blanket. _His. _He is Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil. He wouldn't be Neil without Vyvyan. He doesn't know who he would be, but it wouldn't be good. Wouldn't be him. He is Neil. He is Neil's soul in Neil's body again. He falls asleep and doesn't notice.

When he wakes up, he doesn't realize why at first. When his eyes focus more, he sees Vyvyan sitting on the floor next to the bed.

"Feeling better?"

"I feel more like myself than usual." He says, ignoring the tingling he is imagining under the wig. The tiny screams of _"NOT NEIL, NOT NEIL, NOT NEIL_." He fights them. He is Neil. Vyvyan deserves to hear that.

Vyvyan smiles at him, small and thoughtful. "I'm sorry. About your family. Your mum. They love you, they just don't know how to."

Neil's eyelids are pulling down at the edges. It doesn't look that way, but he can feel it. They're pulling down and fading into the expanse of the universe. Sleep is pulling them down and winding its way back through his brain. He wants to stay up and tell Vyvyan everything wonderful that he thinks of him, how much he means to him, but he can't. He hasn't got time. His mind finds some words and he hopes Vyvyan can hear everything they mean.

"I love you."


End file.
